Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The economy is just astrology for men. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • My love language is being left alone. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The economy is just astrology for men. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • My love language is being left alone. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt.