Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My five-year plan is to not die. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • My love language is being left alone. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My brain has too many tabs open. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My five-year plan is to not die. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • My love language is being left alone. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My brain has too many tabs open. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck.