My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My love language is being left alone. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • My love language is being left alone. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • In today's news, the news is bad. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My love language is being left alone. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • My love language is being left alone. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • In today's news, the news is bad.