Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My love language is being left alone. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • In today's news, the news is bad. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My love language is being left alone. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • In today's news, the news is bad. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'.