Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • In today's news, the news is bad. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • My five-year plan is to not die. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My blood type is coffee. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • In today's news, the news is bad. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • My five-year plan is to not die. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My blood type is coffee. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin.