Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • The economy is just astrology for men. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • The economy is just astrology for men. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43.