Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • My love language is being left alone. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • My love language is being left alone. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • The economy is just astrology for men. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • My love language is being left alone. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • My love language is being left alone. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • The economy is just astrology for men. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining.