Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • In today's news, the news is bad. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • In today's news, the news is bad. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy.