Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • In today's news, the news is bad. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • In today's news, the news is bad. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature.