Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • My brain has too many tabs open. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • My blood type is coffee. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • My brain has too many tabs open. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • My blood type is coffee. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities.