Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My blood type is coffee. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My blood type is coffee. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble.