Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • My blood type is coffee. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • My blood type is coffee. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for.