I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • My blood type is coffee. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • In today's news, the news is bad. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • My love language is being left alone. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • My blood type is coffee. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • In today's news, the news is bad. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • My love language is being left alone. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%.