Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • My five-year plan is to not die. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • My five-year plan is to not die. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings.