I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My blood type is coffee. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • My brain has too many tabs open. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My blood type is coffee. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • My brain has too many tabs open. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars.