The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional.