Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I have a margin call from my landlord. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • My love language is being left alone. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I have a margin call from my landlord. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • My love language is being left alone. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate.