Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • My blood type is coffee. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My blood type is coffee. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • My blood type is coffee. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My blood type is coffee. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service.