Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My blood type is coffee. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My blood type is coffee. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle.