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Your ego has an asking price. Our algorithm has a brutal counter-offer. You get a downloadable certificate of the emotional damage.
Our 'proprietary' AI is trained on millions of data points to precisely quantify your delusions. You get a very accurate valuation.
Think you're a unicorn? The Market sees a donkey with a party hat. We correct for hype, hubris, and that one friend who said you're 'totally killing it'.
Immortalize your market-approved valuation. Get a downloadable certificate for your wall, then buy the merch to commemorate the day your ego met its match.
Three simple steps stand between you and your market-certified cooter valuation.
Tell us why you're a big deal. Use buzzwords. We love buzzwords. The more 'synergy' and 'disruption' you can pack in, the better.
Our AI, fueled by caffeine and questionable data, will judge you. Harshly. It's trained to detect even the slightest hint of delusion.
Get a downloadable certificate of your market-corrected cooter value. Frame it. Or burn it. We don't really care.
Our proprietary Cooter Valuation Formula (CVF) analyzes thousands of datapoints across dozens of human experience domains. Here are just a few of the things we look at:
Social Network Index
Career Progression Score
Vice Index
Bullshit Detection Accuracy
Resting Face Pleasantness
Family Stability Index
Parallel Parking Proficiency
Gift Giving Acuity
"Irish Goodbye" Frequency
Apology Sincerity Score
"The Chair" Accumulation Index
Pun Delivery Efficacy
...and so much more.