Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • My brain has too many tabs open. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • My brain has too many tabs open. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps.