My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • My blood type is coffee. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • The economy is just astrology for men. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • My blood type is coffee. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • The economy is just astrology for men. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000.