Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • My love language is being left alone. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My brain has too many tabs open. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • In today's news, the news is bad. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • My love language is being left alone. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My brain has too many tabs open. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • In today's news, the news is bad. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name.