Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • My blood type is coffee. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • My brain has too many tabs open. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • My love language is being left alone. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • My five-year plan is to not die. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • My blood type is coffee. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • My brain has too many tabs open. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • My love language is being left alone. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • My five-year plan is to not die. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas.