The economy is just astrology for men. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • My brain has too many tabs open. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • My brain has too many tabs open. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses.