Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My brain has too many tabs open. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • My brain has too many tabs open. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My brain has too many tabs open. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • My brain has too many tabs open. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog.