Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • My five-year plan is to not die. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • My five-year plan is to not die. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Federal Reserve announces it will not interfere with the natural $43 cooter price point. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately.