We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My blood type is coffee. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • My love language is being left alone. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My blood type is coffee. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My blood type is coffee. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • I'm not lazy, I'm in energy-saving mode. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'd like to thank my coffee for getting me through another day of meetings that could have been emails. • Expert suggests fixing the economy by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The stock market is just a graph of rich people's feelings. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • My love language is being left alone. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but my targeted ads are getting a little too specific. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • We value this company at 100x revenue because the founder has 'good energy'. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: Scientists have discovered a new state of matter: the 'doomscroll'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • The Cooter Index is down 5 points after a bad date. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • My blood type is coffee. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer.