Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • The economy is just astrology for men. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: The housing market is so hot, my shed just got a Zestimate of $800,000. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • The company's growth is exponential, according to a chart the CEO drew on a napkin. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Our technical analysis shows a 'double top' pattern, which is also our favorite kind of muffin. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • The best time to invest was yesterday. The second best time is never. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Man adds 'crypto investor' to his Tinder bio, matches drop 43%. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • This stock has a great story, but the ending is Chapter 11. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • For sale: one cooter, gently used. Asking $43. No lowballers, I know what I have. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • The biggest lie I tell myself is 'I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it'. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The government has solved inflation by making it illegal to be poor. • Report: 9 out of 10 startups fail, the other one is a dry cleaner. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • The economy is just astrology for men. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My life is 10% what happens to me and 90% me overreacting to it. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The cake is a lie, and so is the financial forecast. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy.