Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • My brain has too many tabs open. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • My blood type is coffee. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • My love language is being left alone. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Breaking: The CEO's golden parachute is now made of actual gold, making it too heavy to deploy. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • The price of gas is now listed as 'an arm and a leg'. • The company's balance sheet is balanced, in that the assets are as imaginary as the liabilities. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This quarter's earnings call will be replaced with a group primal scream. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Breaking: 'Networking' is just asking people for favors. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • The market is a rollercoaster, and I am the person who just threw up. • I'm not saying I'm old, but my back goes out more than I do. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Man who 'did his own research' now believes the Earth is a stablecoin. • My hobbies include overthinking and adding things to my online cart without buying them. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: We've invented a new financial metric: Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, and Wishful Thinking (EBITW). • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: That 'disruptive technology' is just a website. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: The next recession has been postponed due to a scheduling conflict. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Leveraged Garage VC raises friends-and-family round, insiders pretend this was the plan. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • My brain has too many tabs open. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Local man's 'disruptive' new app is just a to-do list. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • 'We're disrupting the disruption industry,' says founder of yet another SaaS company. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Breaking: 'Machine learning' is just a fancy way of saying 'the computer is guessing'. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: The S&P 500 will now be replaced by the top 500 influencers on Instagram. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'Sell' to 'Don't Sell as Hard'. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • My portfolio strategy is 'buy high, cry a lot'. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • VC firm announces new fund to invest in companies that make VCs feel important. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: 'This call may be recorded for quality assurance' is a threat. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • My blood type is coffee. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not emotional about my investments, that's just a tear of joy from seeing a single green day. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • My love language is being left alone. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment.