Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • My love language is being left alone. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • My blood type is coffee. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • The economy is just astrology for men. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • My brain has too many tabs open. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • Breaking: Supply chain issues resolved after intern finds the 'on' switch. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • That viral marketing campaign was just an intern losing the company password. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • BREAKING: Quantitative easing has been replaced with qualitative whining. • Breaking: The yield curve has inverted so hard it's now a pretzel. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Our valuation model is based on astrology and the current phase of the moon. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • We're not a pyramid scheme, we're a 'multi-level marketing opportunity'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The 'American Dream' is now a subscription service. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Breaking: 'It is what it is' has been declared the official mantra of the 21st century. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • Breaking: The only thing appreciating faster than real estate is my anxiety. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Analyst initiates coverage at ‘lol’. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • My personality is 50% quotes from shows I've seen and 50% complaining about gas prices. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • Economists baffled as market continues to do market things. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • My love language is being left alone. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • I'm not procrastinating, I'm just prioritizing my relaxation. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • The difference between a stock and a bond is that one disappoints you quickly and the other slowly. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The only 'stablecoin' is the quarter I found in the couch. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • My blood type is coffee. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Breaking: 'Quiet quitting' is now 'acting your wage'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Carbon-neutral T-Shirt Cannon denies everything, a paradigm shift, maybe. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • The 'metaverse' is just Second Life with more venture capital. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • Breaking: The 'Terms and Conditions' have been updated. You now owe us your firstborn. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Company achieves unicorn status by valuing its ping pong table at $1 billion. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • My life is a series of side quests I never signed up for. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • I'm a contrarian investor: when people are greedy, I'm also greedy. When they're fearful, I'm hiding under my desk. • Breaking: Area man's bootstrapped business is actually just a trust fund. • We're not in a recession, we're in a 'vibecession' where the vibes are just terrible. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • Economists now measuring GDP in 'number of times people said oof'. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Company offers 'mental health day,' schedules mandatory fun on the same day. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Breaking: The 'smart money' just accidentally transferred its life savings to a Nigerian prince. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • My spirit animal is a loading bar. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: 'We value your feedback' means your complaint has been filed in the digital trash. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • I'm not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Man's pitch for a $1,000 cooter met with laughter, market correction to $43. • Hedge fund specializing in cooter analytics raises $43 million. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • My password is the last 8 digits of pi. It's not secure, but it's irrational. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • Breaking: Man's 'pre-revenue' startup is just a Squarespace landing page. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • This company has a strong competitive advantage: nobody else is dumb enough to enter this market. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • Man who 'thinks outside the box' has been asked to return to the box. • Breaking: Insider trading is now called 'collaborative market research'. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • Breaking: The only 'growth hack' is to just do the work. Nobody wants to hear that. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • I'm not saying it's aliens, but it's probably my upstairs neighbors. • Yield curve seen doing yoga, remains inverted. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: The universe is expanding, much like my credit card debt. • Breaking: The cloud is just someone else's computer. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • The economy is just astrology for men. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • My love language is being left alone. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • Dog's LLC under investigation for insider trading (of treats). • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • The bull market is when you check your portfolio. The bear market is when you check your credit score. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • I thought 'diamond hands' meant I was rich, but it just means I'm stuck with these rocks. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • My brain has too many tabs open. • This stock has more red flags than a matador's convention. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Analyst upgrades stock from 'abysmal' to 'could be worse'. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy.