Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • My blood type is coffee. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • My blood type is coffee. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • My blood type is coffee. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • My blood type is coffee. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • Breaking: The metaverse is just a video game with more lag. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Report: S&P 500 now just 500 different ways to say 'AI'. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • My blood type is coffee. • Breaking: The 'Internet of Things' is just a network of appliances that will one day betray you. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Market sentiment is currently 'crying in a walk-in closet'. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Breaking: We've pivoted from stocks to trading rare Beanie Babies. The fundamentals are stronger. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • My 'check engine' light is my crippling student loan debt. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • Breaking: Wall Street is now accepting memes as a valid form of payment. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by influencers and sourdough starters. • CEO's keynote speech was just him reading his own LinkedIn posts out loud. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • My blood type is coffee. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • CEO takes a 43% pay cut, now only makes 430 times the average employee salary. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: The IPO market is so cold, it's wearing a little sweater. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Breaking: 'We're a family here' is HR code for 'we expect you to work weekends'. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • New social media app combines the worst features of all other social media apps. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • My portfolio is down 90%, but it's a dry 90%. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Roommate’s Startup valued at $43, mostly based on quality of office snacks. • I have a margin call from my landlord. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • AI-curated Newsletter with 7 subs rebrands, Mom says ‘proud of you sweetie’. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Breaking: Your data has been sold again. This time for a coupon to a failing restaurant. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: Inflation has hit everything, including my patience. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • Intern discovers that 'synergy' is just a fancy word for 'meetings'. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Our company is 'data-driven', meaning we use data to confirm our biases. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • Breaking: The economy is fine, you're just looking at it wrong. • Our company's biggest asset is the 'undo' button. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Federal Reserve raises interest rates to combat TikTok dances. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • I'm not saying I'm batman, but we've never been seen in the same room. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • I'm not a financial advisor, but you should probably not do what I just did. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Breaking: We've officially run out of new ideas. Get ready for reboots of reboots. • Our new crypto fund is backed by nothing but confidence and a slick landing page. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • My five-year plan is to not die. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just someone else's computer you're paying rent for. • Breaking: Cooter Financial's new headquarters to be built entirely out of unpaid invoices. • Breaking: 'Let's circle back' is corporate for 'I hope you forget about this'. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • Man who says 'let's take this offline' wants to fight you in the parking lot. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • Corporate retreat builds character, destroys morale. • Macro-immune Trust Fund blames millennials, macro blamed again. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • Breaking: The most valuable skill in today's market is the ability to look busy. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: Market sentiment currently tracking at 'meh'. • Breaking: The national debt has been settled by a bake sale. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • Market corrects guy who said ‘trust me bro’. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • My blood type is coffee. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • New study finds money can buy happiness, but only up to $43. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today because it's feeling a little emotional. • The market is forward-looking, which is why it's always tripping over the present. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The 'future of work' looks suspiciously like working all the time from your couch. • Breaking: The global economy will now be run on a 'trust me, bro' basis. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • 'This is fine,' says man as the entire economy burns around him. • Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde. • Startup solves problem that doesn't exist, secures $43M in funding. • BREAKING: Market volatility attributed to Mercury being in retrograde with a high P/E ratio. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • I asked my broker for a hot tip, and he told me to touch the stove. • This is the kind of stock you tell your grandkids about, as a cautionary tale. • Our company values are just a list of words we found in a dictionary. • Breaking: 'Blockchain' is now the answer to any question you don't know. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: The most profitable business is selling courses on how to get rich quick. • This stock is so volatile, it makes my ex look stable. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • Breaking: Man who 'loves the grind' just hates his family. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Artisanal Ghost Kitchen issues new guidance, Board of Directors issues a shrug emoji. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: We're launching a new stablecoin pegged to the price of a Costco hot dog. • I'm powered by caffeine, spite, and the fear of my own credit card bill. • Productivity hack: replace your to-do list with a 'what-I-did' list. Feel better instantly. • We see strong headwinds, tailwinds, and some weird side winds. Basically, it's windy. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • My five-year plan is to not die. • HOA Treasurer discovers 'infinite money glitch' by raising fees. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • We're bullish on avocado toast futures. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • My financial advisor told me to invest in what I know, so I bought a lot of instant noodles. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • My risk is managed, in the sense that I've accepted I'm going to lose it all. • My blood type is coffee. • My financial independence plan is to retire... to my parents' basement. • 'It's the efficient market hypothesis in action,' says professor about the $43 Cooter price. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Man who says 'it is what it is' has just given up. • Breaking: The 'metaverse' is just a 3D version of the websites we already hate. • I'm an expert in the field of 'I'll get to it eventually'. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The economy is now powered by vibes and three guys named Dave. • That's not a bug, that's a surprise feature. • Breaking: The Federal Reserve's dot plot now just looks like a child's scribble. • Breaking: That 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will be back next week with a different name. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • Breaking: 'Digital nomad' is just a homeless person with a laptop. • Breaking: 'Don't be evil' has been amended to 'Don't get caught'. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • We're not firing people, we're 'rightsizing the organization'. • Survey finds 43% of surveys are 43% accurate. • Man who claims to be a 'serial entrepreneur' has just failed a lot. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Our investment thesis is simple: if it's a meme, we're buying. • I've reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me. • Breaking: 99% of all 'thought leadership' is just reposting what someone else said. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Interest rates will be determined by the winner of 'The Bachelorette'. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • My portfolio has been 're-calibrating' downwards for the past 18 months. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Crypto Uncle forgets password, loses access to $43 million in Dogecoin. • That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: We've solved the debt crisis by turning it off and on again. • Breaking: 'Synergy' has been downgraded to 'everyone talks, nobody listens'. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: CEO solves complex business problem by taking a walk. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • 'It's not a cult, it's a company culture,' says man in company-branded hoodie. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • "We're like a tech company, but with more spreadsheets," says every company. • Breaking: The 'creator economy' is just a lot of people trying to sell you the same 5 ideas. • Decentralized autonomous organization votes to order pizza for lunch. • Vibes-based Side Hustle pivots to video, analysts mark as ‘vibes’. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Hedge fund manager replaces analysts with a Magic 8-Ball, performance improves 4.3%. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • We've replaced our CFO with a Magic 8-Ball. Outlook not so good. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • G7 nations agree on a global minimum cooter tax, based on a $43 valuation. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Breaking: Your Cooter Score has been updated. It is now $43. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but my cat thinks I'm a can opener. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • This stock is a value trap, like an 'all you can eat' buffet for masochists. • Man attends 43 meetings in one day, achieves 'meeting nirvana'. • Breaking: We've replaced 'work-life balance' with 'work-life integration', which means you can now cry at your desk. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • Breaking: Local man's 'passion project' is just him avoiding his family. • That 'proprietary tech' is just an open-source library with a different name. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Inflation hits 8%, Cooter price remains a comforting, stable $43. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • For sale: one slightly-used economic forecast. Never accurate. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • 'We're not a monopoly, we're just very good at what we do,' says CEO of monopoly.