Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: The 'cloud' is just a bunch of computers in a warehouse in Ohio. • Productivity guru's secret weapon is just having a rich dad. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Breaking: All stocks will now be priced in Taylor Swift concert tickets. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • This company is a sleeping giant, and it's heavily sedated. • That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a tweet. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • I'm not a bagholder, I'm a long-term investor in gravitational pull. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just drinking water and going to bed on time. • Breaking: Adulthood is just saying 'I'm tired' over and over again. • This is not financial advice, but have you considered putting it all on red? • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' is the corporate equivalent of a unicorn – sounds great, doesn't exist. • We're confident in our Q4 forecast, which we generated using a dartboard. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: The stock market is closed today, because it's a Saturday. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Our AI financial advisor just recommended investing in 'the concept of brunch'. • Man's 'personal brand' is just a collection of things he read on Twitter. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: We're tokenizing everything, including this breaking news headline. • Breaking: The four seasons are now Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • The secret to successful trading is simple: buy low, sell high, and have a time machine. • The Dow Jones is down, but the vibes are up. We call that a mixed market. • Breaking: The algorithm has decided you need to see your ex's vacation photos. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • We're disrupting the market by taking a profitable business and making it unprofitable. • Side Hustle now accepting payment in exposure, valuation soars. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • My portfolio is down, but my spirits are also down, so at least I'm diversified. • Analysts predict cooter market to remain stable at $43 through next fiscal year. • Cooter Financial has been downgraded from 'sell' to 'are you serious?'. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • 'Our company is like a family,' says CEO who just laid off 43% of the workforce. • Breaking: That 'AI' is just a series of complex IF statements written by an underpaid dev. • My brain has an 'Are you still watching?' prompt for basic thoughts. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Breaking: That 'AI-powered' chatbot is just a guy named Dave. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • Breaking: Diversification is for cowards. Go all in on that cryptocurrency named after a dog. • Breaking: The job market is great, if you want three part-time jobs. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Breaking: The government has announced a stimulus package of thoughts and prayers. • I'm not a doctor, but I am an expert in self-diagnosis via WebMD. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Stock market goes up on bad news, down on good news. 'Makes sense,' says no one. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • Cooter Financial revises Q3 earnings down to 'one half-eaten sandwich and a sense of regret'. • I whisper 'what is wrong with you?' to my laptop at least 5 times a day. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Cooter Financial's new ESG fund invests only in companies that are good at saying sorry. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Breaking: The leading cause of stress is other people's incompetence. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • Breaking: Global Cooter Index (GCI) closes at $43, again. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • That 'disruptive' startup is just putting a subscription model on a common household item. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • I'm looking for a stock that's a tenbagger, but all I find are teabaggers. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • Man lists 'synergy' as a skill on his resume, gets 43 job offers. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Breaking: 'I'll do it later' is the official slogan of planet Earth. • Overpriced Pitch Deck finds synergies, someone check on the VCs. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Breaking: The market will now be open 25/8 to maximize anxiety. • I'm at that age where I get excited about a new sponge. • Breaking: The singularity is here, and it just wants to sell you a different kind of toothpaste. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • The company is in its 'growth phase', which means it's growing its losses. • Startup's 'proprietary algorithm' is just a bunch of if-statements. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • Company hits profitability after laying off its only profitable department. • I have a high-risk tolerance, which means I check my portfolio while crying. • Breaking: 'Sorry for the delay' now means 'I just saw your email from 3 weeks ago'. • Breaking: 'Trickle-down economics' just resulted in a wet floor. • Breaking: The light at the end of the tunnel is just another train. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • Company pivots from B2B to B2C, now back to B (just begging for money). • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • This isn't a dead cat bounce, it's more of a 'cat splat'. • Man offers NFTs of his Cooter Certificate, fails to sell for more than $43. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Angel investor is just a guy who lost a lot of money on other people's ideas. • Breaking: The stock exchange is now powered by a hamster on a wheel. He's taking a break. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • I put the 'pro' in procrastinate. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • My greatest talent is being able to find the one thing in the store that doesn't have a price tag. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Breaking: The new intern is just a ChatGPT instance with a coffee addiction. • New AI model can now confidently say 'it depends'. • Strategic Local Founder acquires competitor, haters will say it's fake. • $COOT +4.3% on certificate demand. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • I have a degree in 'winging it'. • Breaking: Inflation is just the economy's way of telling you to eat lentils. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • I'm not saying I'm a workaholic, but my bed thinks I'm cheating on it with my desk. • Breaking: Inflation is temporary, but so is life, so what's your point? • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • CEO confident that next quarter's losses will be 'the good kind of losses'. • Breaking: That meeting could have been an email, and that email could have been a thought bubble. • Local woman's Cooter Score rated 'Strong Buy' by leading analysts, valuation remains $43. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Top economist admits, 'The only thing I'm sure of is that a cooter is worth $43'. • $COOT futures are up, but spot price remains stubbornly at $43. • Man's 'side hustle' is just having two full-time jobs. • LinkedIn Thought Leader posts picture of iceberg, claims it relates to business. • Bespoke Cold-DM Founder goes stealth, now accepting applications for the waitlist. • BREAKING: Cooter Financial just acquired Lehman Brothers' old sign for 'ironic office decor'. • Venture-backed DeFi Protocol avoids regulation, it's complicated. • Due to inflation, the 5-second rule is now the 3-second rule. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Breaking: The only thing 'going viral' is my seasonal allergies. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • "It's not a bug, it's a feature," says CEO of everything. • Ethical? Intern's Fin-Stagram plunges -5.0%, spreadsheet weeps softly. • I'm not emotionally unavailable, I'm just in low-power mode. • The market is driven by two emotions: fear of missing out, and fear of what I just did. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'. • DeFi protocol offers 43,000% APY, seems legit. • Thought leader's viral post was just a screenshot of a tweet. • The company's guidance is to 'hope for the best'. • In today's news, the news is bad. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The new currency is 'likes', and I'm deeply in debt. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • 'We're pre-revenue, but post-common sense,' says CFO. • 'Don't worry, it's transitory,' says man about his crippling debt. • Breaking: The market is now pricing in a 100% chance of 'who knows'. • My retirement plan is to become a mysteriously wise old person in a fantasy novel. • 'We're customer-obsessed,' says company with a 43-minute hold time. • Breaking: 'Hustle culture' is just 'burnout' with a better marketing team. • Breaking: The stock market has been replaced by a casino, for tax reasons. • My life's warranty expired last Tuesday. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • This earnings report is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual profits is purely coincidental. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: Local startup's 'big data' is just a medium-sized Excel spreadsheet. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Feral Dog’s LLC surges +8.2%, the fundamentals are... interesting. • I'm not underperforming the market; the market is overperforming my expectations. • Breaking: Adulthood is just a series of Googling how to do things. • My portfolio's diversification strategy is owning two different colors of cryptocurrency. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Arbitrage opportunity spotted: Cooter priced at $43.01. Market corrects immediately. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Market remains unsure. • Pre-revenue Roommate’s Startup ships dark mode. This is not financial advice. • The market is experiencing a slight correction, much like my posture. • This company is a unicorn because its business plan is a complete fantasy. • Breaking: The new SEC chairman is a golden retriever, because at least he's loyal. • Breaking: The Fed has announced it will now be communicating policy changes via TikTok dance. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Our company is agile, meaning we change our minds every five minutes. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Our new ETF, $YOLO, is comprised entirely of lottery tickets and expired options. • I'm not saying the CEO is clueless, but his crystal ball is a snow globe. • To the moon? My portfolio can barely make it to the end of the driveway. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • Breaking: 'Unlimited PTO' policy has a secret limit of 4.3 days. • Weekend DJ's new mixtape drops, causes temporary market fluctuation. • Breaking: The 'gig economy' is just feudalism with an app. • The economy is strong, but my will to participate is not. • I'm not saying I'm a model, but I have been in a stock photo for 'person who is confused by technology'. • I'm not saying I'm a saint, but I do put my shopping cart back. • Non-dilutive Nepo Baby buys back stock, price still gravitates to $43. • Breaking: We've decided to pivot to a business model that actually makes money. Wish us luck. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • Breaking: 'Growth hacking' is just marketing with a cool name. • That one guy from the conference is still talking about 'synergy'. • We don't do due diligence, we do vibes diligence. • I'm not saying I'm a leader, but I am the first to complain. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • Breaking: 'Biohacking' is just going to bed at a reasonable hour. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • The market can remain irrational longer than I can remain solvent, or sober. • I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I did figure out how to open the plastic bag at the grocery store. • Breaking: Our company is pre-revenue, pre-product, but post-hype. • My love language is being left alone. • I'm bullish on companies that sell anxiety medication. It's a growth industry. • This stock is a classic 'buy the rumor, sell the news, cry in the shower' play. • I'm not saying I'm a detective, but I can find out a lot from a single screenshot. • My portfolio is like a watermelon: green on the outside, red on the inside. • My savings account is like a leaky faucet, but instead of water, it's my dreams. • My brain has too many tabs open. • Our company is at the forefront of innovation, mostly in finding new ways to lose money. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • We're not a startup, we're a 'pre-IPO company'. • Breaking: The economy is transitioning from 'V-shaped' to 'L-shaped' to 'question-mark-shaped'. • Corporate Offsite ends with trust falls and a 4.3% decrease in morale. • My company's culture is based on free snacks and existential dread. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Breaking: 'Grindset' culture leads to mass burnout, more news at 11. • My phone's battery lasts longer than most of my relationships. • My superpower is the ability to turn a 5-minute task into a 3-hour anxiety session. • Our company is like a family, a very dysfunctional one. • The future of work is apparently just more meetings. • Breaking: We've achieved a paper net worth of one trillion Schrute Bucks. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Breaking: We're launching a new fund that only invests in companies from sci-fi movies. It's called 'Cyberdyne Systems & Friends'. • Breaking: Area man is 'crushing it,' but it's just his will to live. • Our thoughts and prayers are with the engineer who has to maintain the legacy codebase. • I live in constant fear that my printer can smell my urgency. • Chaotic HOA Treasurer announces roadmap, retail claps politely. • My life is like a software update. It seems to be doing something, but I have no idea what. • Man who says 'work smarter, not harder' is just lazy. • I'm not a pessimist, I'm an optimist with experience. • The Cooter Standard: a new economic model where everything is benchmarked against $43. • The housing market is fine, you just need to stop eating avocado toast and have rich parents. • I'm not single, I'm in a long-term relationship with adventure and debt. • "Buy the dip!" says man who has only ever known dips. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • We're a tech company in the sense that we own a printer. • Local Founder announces plan to boil the ocean, investors are 'cautiously optimistic'. • 'We're data-driven,' says man who only looks at data that confirms his beliefs. • The economy is just astrology for men. • Breaking: The stock market is just a mood ring for rich people. • Breaking: 'Gamification' is just a fancy word for 'chores'. • My life is a constant battle between 'I need to save money' and 'you only live once'. • Breaking: We're launching a DAO to decide what to order for lunch. So far, we have starved. • My investment strategy is based on the 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' method. • Fintech app disrupts banking by adding more confetti to transactions. • Breaking: The password for success is 'password123', but you'll still have to change it every 90 days. • Our new office has an open floor plan, so you can hear everyone's personal calls. • Breaking: Your free trial has ended. Your soul will be billed monthly. • Man who works in 'stealth mode' is just unemployed. • Our risk management department is just a laminated poster that says 'Hang In There'. • Quantum computing startup's breakthrough is that it's really, really hard. • Man who says 'let's circle back' has no intention of circling back. • Breaking: The invisible hand of the market appears to be giving us the finger. • Sustainably-sourced Dad's Angel Investment launches merch, not a bubble, just misunderstood. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • I have a great idea for an app, it's like Uber, but for existential crises. • SEC-curious Crypto Uncle launches token, SEC opens another new tab. • My financial plan is to have a rich friend. • We're not losing money, we're investing in future tax write-offs. • Company culture now officially described as 'fast-paced and results-driven chaos'. • Breaking: All financial charts will now be displayed as abstract art. • I'm not panic selling, I'm 'strategically exiting my position at a suboptimal price point'. • Man who put 'blockchain' in his bio now quietly removing it. • We're not losing money, we're 'investing in growth'. • Cooter Financial's official motto: 'Past performance is not indicative of future disappointment, but it's a strong hint'. • Breaking: The only 'disruptive technology' I need is a nap. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Breaking: The meaning of life has been found, but it's behind a paywall. • Analyst reports confirm the best hedge against inflation is marrying rich. • This company has a moat, but it's more of a small, decorative puddle. • We're not a bubble, we're a 'sustainably inflated asset sphere'. • My career is just a long history of saying 'no problem' when it is, in fact, a problem. • Breaking: We're proud to announce we've reached a new all-time low. • Recession cancelled after government discovers it's 'just a bad vibe'. • Is the Cooter market in a bubble? 'No, it's just worth $43,' says expert. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • Breaking: The person who named 'rush hour' was clearly a comedian. • I'm not a morning person. I'm not an afternoon person. I might be a 3 AM person. • Cooter derivatives market experiencing low volatility, high certainty around $43. • My brain is like a browser with 28 tabs open, and 3 of them are frozen. • Breaking: 'Influencer' is just a fancy word for 'billboard that talks'. • Breaking: 'Move fast and break things' policy has resulted in many broken things. • Our new AI is so advanced, it can now experience existential dread. • Breaking: The national debt has been paid off with a giant novelty check. • Introducing CooterCoin (COOT), the world's first stablecoin pegged to $43. • Breaking: Man who said 'it's not rocket science' is now a rocket scientist, and it's not that hard. • Fair-trade Corporate Offsite confirms rumors, please update your spreadsheets. • Unpaid Intern accidentally deploys to production, improves efficiency by 43%. • Company's 'unlimited vacation' policy comes with unlimited guilt. • Man attempts to short the cooter market, gets liquidated at exactly $43. • Breaking: We've replaced our entire trading floor with a single cat walking on a keyboard. • My motivation levels are currently at 'that's a problem for future me'.